For many, many years, I suffered from constant suicidal thoughts. The pick of it was around my twenties. The thoughts did not diminish but escalated, and nothing made sense to me.
At 16 years old and in the last year of high school, I had already entered the first place in the National University of San Martin, the position of Environmental Engineering being an excellent opportunity for my future.
In Peru, this merit assures you jobs and much more. However, with the depression that had already been affecting me, it did not make much sense. Therefore, I felt that I should be somewhere else, although I did not know why, so it was.
I always dreamed of leaving my small town to go to a bigger city, to fly to where my mother had also studied. So it was by fate that I received an invitation from the most exclusive University in the north of the country, from the Capital of Culture, Trujillo, the same city where my mother had studied. The invitation asked me to choose the university career I wanted, and they gave me a scholarship for my grade point average during high school.
I am not here trying to flatter myself. I am just trying to share with you that no matter how good or bad things may be in your life when depression comes, it comes, and it does not discriminate against anything. And this was the worst. I had nothing in my life that could depress me. My family, although dysfunctional, was not the worst, there was love, and I loved my family. Money was not abundant, but we didn’t lack anything either. My mother always strived to give us the best she could, and I will always be grateful for that. I had everything one could say, but life was still meaningless, and my existence was a big question mark.
I decided to accept the scholarship and leave the opportunity of a lifetime here in my hometown at the National University, everyone was surprised to learn of my decision, but my heart told me that I had to go on and get out of there. As the years progressed in Trujillo, my depression grew and grew. In Peru, it took six years to finish my law degree; in the last few years, I stopped going out. The things that an average young woman in the University did not interest me. I was twenty when I decided to stop attending parties, nor did I meet my friends.
My circle and my social life went to the group tasks of the University. Otherwise, I had zero. Neither alcohol, sex, nor anything else filled me anymore, all the escapes I had had up to that moment were no longer helpful.
I felt very lonely, and the truth is that my depression only contributed to isolating me more. I wanted to sleep all day, I always liked to study, but my academic level had also decreased. I started to have panic attacks when I had to speak in front of the class and things like that.
I started reading some books by Paulo Cohelo that gave me hope. I did not know what, but I felt inside all the unanswered questions in the search were getting some ibuprofen with those books.
I felt very lonely, and the truth is that my depression only contributed to isolating me more. I wanted to sleep all day, I always liked to study, but my academic level had also decreased. Then, I started to read some books by Paulo Cohelo that kept some hope in my heart. I did not know what, but in the search, I felt inside and all the questions I had unanswered.
Thank God depression at that time was not well known, so I didn’t have to go to a doctor who drugged me. But, of course, I’m not saying that doctors are wrong. But, still, you have to be lucky nowadays to be touched by someone aware of what depression means and who doesn’t medicate you with things that will cause you many more problems.
I know that because I see it in the people I work with, it is more difficult for those medicated than those not medicated with antidepressants to be cured of depression because depression is not a disease. It is a spiritual state that is so serious that it affects everything, the physical body, the chemicals it produces, and much more.
When I had already lost all the strength to follow my heart, that last year I met the man who was not only one of the greatest loves of my life, Jungle , he became not only my husband but also who took me to meet San Pedro; later, we would travel to stay three years with his teachers in the Jungle of Iquitos, taking Ayahausca and dieting and then take me to the incredible journey of my life in Sweden, nowadays we are not longer together I will always be grateful with him.
My depression did not go away like that, but it improved. But, unfortunately, it was the work of many years to understand what it was.
I can now share a summary with those going through the same thing. I want to do it in more detail, but it would turn into a book; the book will come later.
My depressive state was composed of many things; it is difficult to know where to start when one goes through that state.
The most important thing is NEVER to LOSE HOPE, no matter how small it may be. Never lose it. Hold on like a lifesaver in the middle of the sea. Pray and cultivate your FAITH.
My depression was a great initiation to the spiritual path I am on today, perhaps the most challenging school I have ever been in, more so than the plants.
The most significant part of my depression was finding my place in this life, the world that surrounded me until before the plants came to my rescue was a world alien to me, a world in which I never fit and never saw myself as part of.
The hours that I thought about how to end my life and all the means were painful. I did not want more pain and, above all, to make my family suffer, especially my mother.
There came a day when I even heard about sleeping pills: if you took too many, you could die.
One day after one of my first romantic relationships ended, he was unfaithful to many women, and everything had come to light. I had become pregnant, and I had to have an abortion. I was only 2 or 3 weeks old, and that pain was immense and what led me to make the decision.
I went to the pharmacy and bought sleeping pills. I didn’t know how many I needed, I only knew they were powerful, and I purchased what my supposed student’s taste allowed me. I bought six pills, you can imagine that, of course, those six pills were not enough to kill me and I didn’t know it, but they were sufficient to give me a GOOD REST!!!!
I woke up the next day with a clearer mind and a message that there is always a new day and we need a good rest sometimes. I thought I had received a SECOND CHANCE. Later on, when I started to meet more spiritual people, they told me that it was good that I failed because otherwise, I would have reincarnated again, and it would have been more difficult.
After these revelations, SUICIDE was seen as futile because I did not want to go through everything again and make it more difficult than it already was. So I decided to go ahead no matter what, but that I was here for a reason, trusting and increasing my faith became a MUST.
MORE IS COMING IN PART TWO.
-LOVE AND GRATITUDE-
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